Journal of Feenix: Dreams and Lessons

It took me forever to even want to write about this (aside from lyrically)...because to be perfectly honest: I've been trying to figure it out myself. For over a year.

Since I moved to California I've been having dreams about someone. Someone I got to know...but didn't get to know well enough (at least in my opinion)...but well enough to be fascinated by her. Those who know me best know I'm highly anti-social even though I try to surround myself with the proper company...I normally fall short and retreat back into my shell. Shit, if it wasn't for the promotion of my craft which keeps me afloat I wouldn't be on social media...but I make the best out of it. But anyways: I met this person, talked to her, enjoyed her presence, eventually wrote about her, and it....went....to an extremity I never expected it to go (music-wise). I remember telling her before she left my place in Virginia that I would never forget her and hoped to not lose touch, I don't say that to anyone. ANY ONE. While I still haven't forgotten her: we have lost major touch....which leads me to the confusion I've had this past year.

I have literally dreamed of this person every single month since the new year. It's not sexual, no, it's not even relationship-wise...it's just...she's there....and it's vivid...and even in my dream I feel my anxiety build...an anxiety to not want to wake up...and anxiety to just stay where I am in that dream a little longer. I had just gotten out of an engagement to a woman I once saw as highest on the pedestal. Had a good vocabulary. Had a sense of direction for the most part....just...powerful. After that falling apart I just gave up on humanity, that and the mixture of losing my mother drove me into a spiral of drinking everyday, meaningless sex with some people I honestly can't say I remember the most of (just being honest), fights within myself, and me just trying to get back into the world all while still somehow successfully keeping the label happy with the music I was making. It became so much easier to write and party.....no serious regards to any other humanity. Until her.

A few dreams I remember:

one where I was back in Virginia at this park I usually went to for thinking and getting new ideas to write, I was fishing and she was there with her own fishing rod and I was trying to show her how to hook a worm and she was saying SOMETHING (I don't remember)...but it was making me laugh.

Another one: we were at a Wal Mart and she was arguing with some guy and I was just standing by quiet waiting for her to get done with the argument, she just walked away from him and I asked if she was ok and she said yeah....then I just woke up.

One powerful one was I had the galaxy rose out and she kept complimenting how she liked it and I don't what made me finally say it but I told her that I made it for her and that it was hers. She asked me to hold on to it for her to remember her and I remember saying that I didn't need it to remember her and that I had cut my damn hand making it for her...something I never shared until now (it took me two tries to perfect crafting it).Most of these dreams she was just there...and I was aware of that....and that alone made me happy. It helped me realize a few months ago that I don't think I wanted a relationship with her from the beginning...I think I was reminded of what once made me happy, my faith in another person and the happiness of knowing there was someone who could take my mind away from my own personal stresses simply by existing.

So I went searching for someone like her....found out the hard way that the shit that makes each and every one of us as people in this world unique in our own ways is that we aren't LIKE anyone but ourselves...and that she's rare...and that by in my drunken stupors and anxiety attacks: I may have pushed someone away by smothering her with the knowledge that I valued her highly. Anxiety.  But one should never be apologetic for respecting someone highly I suppose....Just because I some times wear my heart on my sleeve and can express how I feel about someone doesn't mean they can or will....and that is sooo okay.

The dreams caused me to get a little unsettled, annoyed at times, confused as shit...idk...I was doing my best month after month to give out the same energy I was getting back: none.. or so it felt. The start of this month I put the galaxy rose away in assumptions that it'd help eliminate the dreams....and I almost got through September...until earlier. I guess that's why I'm venting now....I remember it...all of it...in this dream: idk where we were...but we were laying down...and she had her phone in her hand and she was scrolling something (idk...social media or some shit idk)....and I remember that feeling again....the anxiety...I didn't know what to say...how to move...what to do....but what I recollect that was different out of every dream I've ever had with her in it.....: I was holding her..and she was crying. I remember starting to get up to leave her space to whatever it was that was going on...and she said "don't go"...and I HAD THIS SENSE OF URGENCY AS IF THEE WAS SOMEWHERE i HAD TO be (probably the studio nine times out of ten)....but I laid back down and she said "How long can you stay?" and I remember saying "As long as you need me to.",,,,and I woke up. What made this dream different....is that when I laid back down: it was THEN that I'd realized it was her..and that my anxiety had died. Completely....it was almost as if I knew what to say and do after that.....and it was what she does for me: exist. Keep living. I woke up this time feeling different...not confused...not annoyed...not bothered that I had yet another dream about her.....this time I felt content. I felt okay.

I think I vent all this to say: The dreams may be nearing their end.....I don't feel anxious...I feel as if I learned the valuable lesson that life was trying to teach me in this interval: Some things are what they are...and if we go searching for answers sometimes it'll throw us into a spiral of confusion and over thinking...and if we don't learn from it: it will forever haunt us. We all have our own demons we fight from day to day and  some of us remain in our shell and handle them the way we see fit and only allow those we trust and value around us..and just because you value someone else highly doesn't mean they have to value YOU or even express it of they do as well. It will show. She showed it in her own way..and after all I had been through I simply wanted her to be around more. Some people don't know just how much peace they bring...and one of my biggest regrets it's putting myself so out there no matter the circumstances...had it meant her being my friend from that point on: I would've hidden my affection for her away from the world and lied about it, instead of desperately seeking a connection with her in any shape form or fashion even when I was busy out of my head doing merciless hours in the studio I sought out outlets just to say I hadn't lost connection with her....dumbed it down all the way because I figured she was like most women I'd met for the most part. My mistake. I wasn't myself around her because I wanted to someone she'd like in her life as much as I liked her in mine..I wasn't myself....but the real me....she would've appreciated him. I would've hidden it from the world. I'm very good at that. Hiding emotion in standard circumstances. Pretending I feel nothing. I would've never told her what I thought of her. Instead of instantly wanting something more. I was trying to be for her what I was to someone else before her....and for every action there is a consequence. And if by some miracle we ever meet again and I get the blessing of reconnecting with her, I promise I'll pretend nothing ever happened and hide it away from the world.

In pertains to a third installment (or a sequel of any sort)...it's a no for me. I've already expressed that to her. I don't want to do any more music about her no matter how life turns out. I'd rather she be one of the many great secrets I've encountered in my life. It's such a pressure for an artist when they create music about a situation or person because most supporters expect the story to continue on into oblivion or for the story to go THEIR way....that's crazy. Interviews. Random remarks at events I've attended. Statements from inquiring minds, producers, friends, etc....I lost my interest in writing about certain people and things but never my respects for them…and ultimately as long as she understands it: I honestly don’t care what anyone else thinks. Some people are led to believe that when an artists write about particular people; those people owe the artist something. Absolutely not. If anything: I owe her and so many others more than I could ever offer for their inspiration and presence. I blame myself for that. The first and only 2 songs did good enough. Lets push forward to the next project whenever that may be, lets push forward to new stories, new encounters, new feels, new vibes. For those who understand: respects, to those who don't: keep living. Love all of you.

-Feenix

September 26th, 2020