Journal of Feenix (2021)
ENTRY 1
”Love and it’s Beautiful Journey”

If the younger and broke me read this he’d probably think it wasn’t even his future self. Bottom line: your heart’s got to get broken. You’ve got to be let down, disappointed, played, ghosted, everything that comes with the ultimate conclusion to a healthy relationship. I notice so many people claim to want a good relationship with someone but they worship toxicity...that’s insane.

As I navigate through the wonderful world of occasionally giving a female my time from time to time I’ve come to learn something...I know my standards have been set high the past few years but they’re slowly lowering due to new development and experiences…..but one thing that is for certain...if you’re looking for a genuine relationship...a beautiful bond...something real and unquestionable…: you’re going to have to get hurt, you’re going to have to get let down, you’re going to have to cry, you’re going to have to question yourself and whether you’re enough, you’re going to have to get curved, you’re going to have to get ghosted, you’re going to have one night stands, you’re going to have sneaky links, you’re going to possibly cheat, you’re going to possibly get cheated on, you’re going to maybe have a pregnancy scare, you’re going to deal with exes, you’re going to deal with competitors, you’re going to deal with disagreements, you’re going to miss them sometimes, you’re going to distance yourself from them sometimes, it’s going to be a hectic journey. But that mother fucker is going to be beautiful.

Let’s be honest as I always am..and I’m going to say something most people won’t admit..but it’s obvious most people do: I’ve had sex with more people than I’ve ever had a relationship with. But I’m good at relationships, my mother and father had a strong marriage that set an example for me...but that was a different time...the times are different now. I’ve been in literally 3 relationships my entire life...all of which I broke off...I don’t know what it is to be left for someone else technically...all three of my relationships I was technically used, I’ll be the first to admit that when I show any affection for anyone: it’s 100% genuine and heavy. I do random things for people still to this day without looking for retribution...it’s who my father is. Blame him.

 Lately though I’m looking at relationships in this day and age from a birds eye view...I am getting by on bonds with people I know I don’t want to be with…(yes I’m casually chatting with multiple people...just not heavy serious…I keep an almost deadly distance from many and only talk to who I really have affection for.) I feel not everyone deserves my closeness. I say that because not everyone has good intention as they claim...I was literally told two days ago by someone I chill with from time to time that I was basically being used for sex……..she said it flat out……..(DOPE! LMAO)....yeah I said DOPE….! Hell it was great for me and great for her..so whatever right? Eh. I suppose...but in a way that was her telling me that she knew like I knew: nothing would become of us. Again: dope. I don’t want anything with her. In all honesty: my mind stays on someone that it’s been on for a while, and what makes it so much easier to not get attached to ANYONE…not even her…that fear of being seen by anyone else that way keeps me stationary. This is a part of my journey. This generation WORSHIPS love and hip hop, toxicity, ex-games, sneaky links, flexing on people that wish they could have a second of our time….worship. Fucked up right? WRONG.

DON’T YOU PEOPLE GET IT YET? Lol...this is all a part of the journey. How do we know if someone is full of shit unless we experience it therefore we’re careful not to run into someone like them again? How can we dissect whether or not someones words are genuine to us if we don’t first experience someone who plays the game so well? Niggas…(and niggettes...lol) you are going to HAVE to get hurt….have to. BUT after: you have to move on...don’t block your blessings...and that’s up to you...some of us hold on to people that we KNOW aren’t good for us. (Come on we KNOW...cut the bullshit…) there’s that one chick who treats you like shit and uses all your money to show off on instagram….and you let it slide because you got the money and the pussy is fun...come ON...or there’s that one nigga you ladies swear up and down you can’t stand and drag through the mud and swear up and down you’re done with but the second he whips you know what out all the problems disappear……….momentarily…...when you come down from that nut tho: reality settles in….and it’s all a part of the journey.

Until we’re all comfy not dragging our random links through the mud and we meet that someone who gives us all that we’re looking for we’ll be doomed to roam into random connections that ultimately lead us nowhere. Crazy thing is some of us are so stubborn that we allow ourselves to have KIDS with these temporary mother fuckers...thinking it’ll make the relationship last...it’ll EXTEND that mother fucker….but it ends inevitably...because it wasn’t meant to be. It simply takes maturity. to be in a real relationship….and alot of us myself included to a certain extent: aren’t. And can’t admit that. That isn’t self love….sooohow the hell can anyone else love us, right? We’re rough drafts walking around looking for final drafts….lmao…ain’t that a bitch?A final draft could look our way and LAUGH….and that hurts us…we get confused…think we’re not enough….but it’s not that…we just aren’t ready for them yet. be careful tho, it’s a lot of rough drafts who think they’re final drafts and their pages haven’t even been WRITTEN on yet. lol. Take a closer look around you….pay attention to who you’re comfortable with...that female or that guy that is around to hear you when you speak...not for sexual gain...or financial gain...just there...someone who is happy simply because you exist: they DESERVE an opportunity right? Wrong. They technically already have it….and it’s astonishing just how humble some genuinely are to us to stay beside us no matter what, offer us up advice when we need it, be there emotionally when we need it...even when they know we’re being idiots and that they care about us. Keep those people close. I admit I turned a blind eye to some people in my years...especially the past 2 years alone...i was noooot letting anyone in. Maria forced her way in to be honest….and it was bliss while it lasted but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere….this is what we all do. Settle. Knowing it’s not going anywhere. Hoping a venting session with a friend can ease us and hide the reality. I’ve got to stop that. So many of us are hoping to be that one to someone...praying to the universe for someone...you can even describe them to the universe….and the universe will send that mother fucker...and we’ll be too busy in bliss with the wrong son of bitch to even notice them...and if we DO notice them: we hand them the shortest end of the stick possible. I have a bad habit of listening to friends...clowning some females...but in the back of my head I wonder: hmmm maybe? But I let friends deter me...I get caught up in THEIR toxicity sometimes and I have my own fun...but everyone wants that someone….and they want it to be genuine...and last. Think about it: friends LOVE it when you have relationship drama, especially if they’re single...and if THEY’RE having relationship issues they love dragging that female or guy through the mud to YOU. IF you choose someone and you’re happy, those friends will get distant, jealous, ready to pounce at the first sign of bad news between you and that person: these the people you really let determine your relationships? I’m guilty of it. I think it takes us accepting things and the lessons from each person we find affection for to better prepare ourselves for whoever “the one” is. Mel taught me to care more for others and that if I had affection for them: show it, and be genuine, to speak to someone I love like I mean it or say nothing at all and also that the key to love someone genuinely is first loving yourself wholeheartedly. Lyn taught me not to rush into things and to learn how to make time for someone who cares about you even though you’re always busy working and trying to make something of yourself...my first big hit of money threw me into a spiral of overworking that I sometimes fall back into. Raven taught me that sex is fun...it’s great...but it isn’t the glue in a genuine relationship...it could become an addiction so heavy that your girl could start accusing you of interactions with other females that have never happend.. JC taught me not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay, it doesn’t mean I’m not valued or should value them any less, instead it’s important to simply be a decent example of someone who gives a shit and stay in my place at a distance and be there when ever...but to not be discouraged, not to be a bitch about it, accept the L and move forward and be more careful and SOBER (lol) with my next genuine relationship interest and build a connection with them first in order to find out whether I’m even half interesting to them as they are to me. Maria taught me that recovering is a part of a future healthy relationship and that if my mind or heart is with someone else: the person you’re with will see it and it only damages them...which will lead to her damaging whoever she decides to give a chance to next….so in a way I’m making the world a more awful place instead of a better one which is soo my intention in life.

In my vast opinion: I say live your life. Don’t make bonds definite if you’re not sure. Keep people at a distance if you’re not sure of them. Give the energy you receive. Nothing more. Nothing less. Stop hoping for someone awesome to come along and BE that someone awesome so that when the person you eventually prefer comes along: it’s so much easier. Have fucking fun...it’s the TIME to do that. Be careful while having fun. Laugh, listen, interact, learn new shit, do new shit, take risks, listen to your heart not social media and other’s opinions, pay attention to who’s around you RIGHT Now and think about your future and ask yourself “Where I see myself in 10 years: do I see some of these mother fuckers being there WITH ME?”...I’m still young. I’m learning, I’m living. I invite everyone to say that when judged...if you genuinely want better: the only formula is living and learning. The shit is beautiful. Don’t rush shit.

I noticed for a few months now that I’m not looking for a girl. I’m stable. I’m pretty much set for life unless I make some pretty stupid decisions...I have my own. I cook. I take care of myself. I have a good support team. I love my career. I don’t worry about much anymore. I’m happy to be honest…..so I think I’m looking for a wife. Ready for that whole thing. Wife. Wedding. Kids. Vacations. New shit. I’m at that point….but I’m not in a rush….and unlike looking for a girl: finding a wife is not an easy task. Buuuut I’m not looking for her...make sense? I want something like Chandler and Monica Bings connection…..something completely unexpected that blossoms and turns into something more with someone new…..a secret relationship for ages….lmao….linking up in private, enjoying each others company….falling deeper in love and eventually letting the world know on our own time...and by that time there may be a ring on her finger. I don’t know what she looks like. I don’t know what she does. I don’t know where she is. I can’t wait to bump into her ass though. Not rushing her….she’s living and learning too….we’ll chat about it all some day and laugh. All a part of love and it’s beautiful journey.

-Feenix

February 11th, 2021